Understanding Shame

I don’t think I truly understood what shame felt like in my body until I realized it was the “cringe” feeling I often experienced.

When I was embarrassed, awkward, felt self-conscious, insecure, wanted to hide, was overthinking and overplaying scenarios in my head. 

I felt shame for who I was. What happened to me. What I did to others, even if I didn’t intentionally mean to hurt them. 

There was so much shame behind every part of me that I repressed, held back, couldn’t embrace. 

This shame was woven into my identity, causing me to repress so many parts of myself. 

Understanding shame brought so many epiphanies into my life. Family rules, societal rules are built around shame. If we don’t comply with these “rules,” it could feel like rejection and death- because in the past, being rejected from our families or from society could have literally resulted in death. We feel this from our ancestors, and from the collective today- as this still goes on in some parts of the world.

Shame is there to keep us feeling “safe,” and “connected,” but it also keeps us stuck and prevents us from being free. From embracing all of our parts. From being our true selves. 

Bringing awareness to our shame, and liberating these parts of us can be extremely challenging, but it is this that allows us to be in our true power. 

Embracing Emotions as a Key to Liberation

I used to be afraid my my emotions. 

They seemed too overwhelming, too overpowering. Too uncomfortable. I was afraid to feel.  I was afraid to let go of control. 

They were messy and unpredictable. I didn’t like messy and unpredictable- I liked neat, controlled boxes. 

I suppressed them. I held them in. I pushed them away. I resisted them. 

And then the dam broke and it all came out. And I finally learned that:

My emotions are messengers. For parts of me that want to be seen. That want to be heard. That want to know they matter. 

My emotions are teachers, teaching me more about myself than I’ve ever known. They teach me about my triggers, my shadows, my limiting beliefs. 

My emotions are connectors, showing me how to connect and listen to my body on even deeper levels. 

My emotions are healers- showing me where I need to heal. Showing me what I’m missing. 

My emotions are my path to freedom. 

Pic: @timdajan @emotionalreleases

Learning To Feel It All

My life changed when instead of trying to be happy all of the time, I realized my goal was to be able to hold all of the emotions- grief, fear, sadness, and joy, love, happiness - more deeply, more safely, more expansively.

I used to think that the goal in life was to feel happy all of the time.

I thought it was only safe to think positive thoughts. I pushed away “negative” uncomfortable emotions because they felt too intense, overwhelming, and scary.

And then a chaotic mix of events taught me that what was keeping me from experiencing more happiness was actually avoiding feeling the more difficult emotions.

I was in a nervous system freeze state and my body was terrified of feeling. Expanding my nervous system’s window of tolerance (healthy range of feeling) allowed me start feeling all the emotions on deeper levels. Which felt scary at first, but also liberating.

As I continued to surrender to some intense, dark emotions, I would emerge as a new version of myself- one that was able to feel more safety and surrender in the dark so that I could feel even more love, joy, power, creativity, aliveness. One that realized the more we face and embrace our fears, the more we can experience the beauty of the world.

This is an ongoing process. A work in progress. 

AND I feel more resilient. Deeper connection. More OK with the inevitable ups and downs.

Life is so much richer and fuller. And I’m here for all of it.

How Do We “Let Go?”

We live in a society where we are taught to let go, move on, start new. Forgive.

People say “Let it go”, as if we should just visualize whatever we want to let go of drifting away, out of our bodies and our minds. Sometimes this is all we need. But sometimes it doesn’t work. And let’s normalize that.

While yes- it’s unhealthy to hold onto these states and emotions for long periods of time, it’s also unhealthy to shove down and ignore the emotions coming up around the situation.

Sometimes letting go is a process, not a decision.

Our body holds onto trauma. “Trauma” could be one time in our childhood when we were yelled at, or witnessed something we couldn’t process, or felt left out or embarrassed. It’s not always a major event.

During these moments, our body created a way to stay safe, because our bodies didn’t have the capacity to process what was going on. Sometimes we may have created coping mechanisms as a way to stay safe- people pleasing, avoidance, overworking, etc. We may have learned to suppress emotions.

We can “let go” in our minds, but if we haven’t processed the emotions and integrated the parts of us still stuck in survival strategies, we are still going to feel lingering emotions in our body around the situations that are keeping us stuck. This can lead to passive-aggressive behavior, resentment, and avoidance. And stuck emotions can also cause physical symptoms.

Letting go is a process. A process of awareness- of becoming aware of the parts of us that are creating resistance because letting go doesn’t feel safe. A process of establishing more safety in the body so we can let go of deeper layers. A process of fully feeling the emotions that come up. A process of allowing our bodies to release at the pace and timing that is best- knowing that this process is determined by the timeline in our body- not only our mind.

Having Trouble Meditating?

For so long, I didn’t understand why I felt so much resistance to certain healing modalities such as stillness and meditation.

I would try to create a routine in the morning, and found myself wanting to do anything but that. I would find excuses- I didn’t have time, I didn’t feel well enough, etc. And if I did do it, I couldn’t last more than a minute. Zillions of thoughts would swirl around my head, a song would be playing in the background of my mind, I would feel restless, and then my inner-critic would start judging me for all of this- “You’re not doing it right!”

And then I realized why. My nervous system was programmed to keep myself distracted so I could be safe. The thought of taking quiet time with myself felt terrifying. What would come up? What would I feel? What would I discover? My ego was like, “No thanks.” It was terrified of the growth and breakthroughs, and ultimately change and transformation that comes along with these tools. And the ego doesn’t like change.

It’s been a process, but as I have healed my nervous system through breathwork and somatic work, and have reprogrammed my brain with PSYCH-K®, I now (most days at least- I’m not perfect!) look forward to quiet time and stillness in the morning and before I go to bed.

I have felt what it feels like to totally sink into my body and feel safe and comfortable. What it feels like to observe my thoughts and emotions without becoming overpowered by them. What it feels like to accept the noise and chaos in my head without judging it.

So for everyone feeling resistance to meditation and stillness- you are not alone! And there’s nothing wrong with you. Regulating your nervous system to feel ready for stillness and meditation is not an overnight process - it takes time.

But know that it’s totally possible. We always have the ability to heal and adapt. And we are so powerful!