Understanding Shame

I don’t think I truly understood what shame felt like in my body until I realized it was the “cringe” feeling I often experienced.

When I was embarrassed, awkward, felt self-conscious, insecure, wanted to hide, was overthinking and overplaying scenarios in my head. 

I felt shame for who I was. What happened to me. What I did to others, even if I didn’t intentionally mean to hurt them. 

There was so much shame behind every part of me that I repressed, held back, couldn’t embrace. 

This shame was woven into my identity, causing me to repress so many parts of myself. 

Understanding shame brought so many epiphanies into my life. Family rules, societal rules are built around shame. If we don’t comply with these “rules,” it could feel like rejection and death- because in the past, being rejected from our families or from society could have literally resulted in death. We feel this from our ancestors, and from the collective today- as this still goes on in some parts of the world.

Shame is there to keep us feeling “safe,” and “connected,” but it also keeps us stuck and prevents us from being free. From embracing all of our parts. From being our true selves. 

Bringing awareness to our shame, and liberating these parts of us can be extremely challenging, but it is this that allows us to be in our true power. 

Accessing Our Inner Wisdom

I’ve always loved learning. 

I’ve loved reading books, listening to podcasts, going to workshops and trainings. 

But there became a point when I realized that by constantly consuming information from others around me, I was neglecting to access the wisdom inside of myself. 

It felt unsafe and scary to sit in stillness. To listen to my body and ask my body questions. To create time and space for what wanted to create and express from within. 

If I did this, there was fear around what would come up. What if emotions came up that were too big, too scary, too intense? What if my body/intuition wanted me to do something that I didn’t want to do? What if I took action and it wasn’t received well? What if I failed? Oh the spirals and journeys our minds can take us on!

And I realized that the constant stream of outside information became a survival strategy for me to avoid connecting to myself and avoid stepping outside of my comfort zone and taking action. 

I started creating intentional time to connect with myself each day. I started doing a few minutes of breathwork in the morning. Taking a bath at night. As time went on, I was able to tune in and see what my body wanted. A walk? To bake? To just sit outside in the sun? To ground?

And connecting to my body became a little less scary. A little more natural. 

I began to trust my body more. To develop a relationship and check in with her. 

Connecting to ourselves can feel scary and overwhelming at times, especially if we’ve had trauma and/or chronic illness. 

But the key is small doable steps. 

Power + Sensitivity

You can be both sensitive and powerful. 

The word “sensitive” can have a negative connotation- it’s often associated with being weak. 

“You’re too sensitive” was a phrase I heard from others throughout my life- others who couldn’t accept and appreciate my sensitivity in the way I needed. Instead, it was often used as an insult when I was upset, and when someone didn’t want to admit they were wrong. 

At the same time, I sometimes felt like my sensitivity was a curse. Like my body and soul were not made for this world that could often feel harsh and cruel. 

So I avoided, I hid, I stayed small, because it was easier that way. 

After releasing deep layers of anger that I had suppressed for my entire life in an emotional release session, I felt a power- a life force energy- flood my body. 

I felt my power and strength for the first time in my life.

And I realized that the combination of both sensitivity and power- healthy use of power- is one of the most potent combinations for healing the world. 

Pic: @timdajan @emotionalreleases

What are “Survival Strategies?”

Survival strategies are unhealthy behavior patterns, usually created in childhood as a way to stay safe

These can include:

People pleasing 

Perfectionism

Avoidance 

Creating drama 

Overachieving 

Isolating 

Repressing your voice 

Aggressiveness 

While these behaviors may be labeled by society as “negative,” they actually served a purpose in our childhood- to keep us safe. 

For example, if we lived in a household where there was conflict, we may have people-pleased in order to try to keep the peace. If we lived in a household where we did not get enough attention, we may have learned to get attention in unhealthy ways such as aggression or creating drama. 

As we become more self-aware, we may start to notice some of these patterns showing up within ourselves.

And while the first instinct may be to “fix them” or “get rid of them,” it can be a process to notice where we store these patterns (and underlying emotions) in our bodies, how they are serving us, what they need from us in order to let go, and then take small doable action steps to create new, healthier patterns.

What If- Sometimes- Being in “Victim Mentality” Is a Necessary Part of the Healing Process?

Let’s talk about victim mentality.

There’s tons of mindset talk out there about getting out of victim mentality- letting go, forgiving, rising up, choosing better thoughts. 

All of this is important and helpful.

AND for people who have experienced unprocessed abuse and trauma, telling them to get out of victim mentality is actually equivalent to telling them to bypass their reality- their experience and their emotions.

Being in victim mentality can be part of the healing process. Sometimes our nervous system can be in such a deep freeze that when we finally feel safe enough for it to start “thawing out,” we may go from feeling numb to feeling the powerlessness, the helplessness, the anger, the rage, the unfairness, the shame, and the guilt before we can start to truly heal.

This is the time we learn to safely feel and process our emotions- to allow ourselves to feel anger if we always suppressed it, to learn to set boundaries, to stand up for ourselves- all which ultimately helps us take our power back.