Dancing With Grief

Grief. It can be painful, overwhelming, overpowering, uncontrollable, uncomfortable. It can feel like loss, emptiness. It can feel like darkness, a void, death. It can feel like you are consumed in darkness. It’s sometimes interlaced with anger and disappointment.

It can feel like intense emotional and physical pain in different parts of your body. It can feel never-ending, all-encompassing. It can feel like a hole in your heart. It can feel like your heart is broken open and maybe it will never feel ok again. It can feel like a fear of “what if this doesn’t go away?”

Grief can also feel cleansing, renewing, life-altering. It can help you see things in a new way. It can give you more clarity on a situation. It can help bring awareness to beliefs and emotions that were previously hidden.  It can highlight what’s important to you. It can help you stay present. It can help unearth unhealthy patterns and dynamics.

Sending love to anyone who is dancing with grief, feeling the ups and downs of it, knowing that it’s ok to experience it all. 

Waking Up From “Autopilot” Mode

For most of my life, I lived how I thought I should. I made “responsible” decisions. 

I didn’t actually know what I wanted, so I lived life on autopilot, moving through each day, each week, each month in a way that felt stable and secure. And while there were obstacles, I kept on going. I did things because I thought I should. I got tenure at my job. I got married. I thought I was happy. 

Then I got really sick and my whole world crumbled down. I could barely get out of bed. I had to go on medical leave from my job. I had to use my savings on medical treatments. I ended up getting a divorce. And moving several times. I went back to work part-time and got laid off. 

The next few years felt like a mix of chaotic events that forced me to get to know myself more and decide, for the first time in my life, what I really wanted. 

In order to create this new life, I had to learn to get in touch with my intuition and really trust my own guidance system as I made decisions and choices that I know looked “crazy” on the outside. 

I moved from NY (where I had lived my whole life) to Florida, leaving behind friends and family and only knowing a couple of family members. 

I used my savings studying a lot of modalities that helped me heal, so I could help others. 

I rented an apartment before finding a job, because it felt right and I felt very strongly it would show up shortly after (which it did.)

I learned to trust my intuition and trust life, even when it felt like things weren’t making sense. Even when it felt like I was making “irresponsible” decisions. 

As I continue to create a new life that is exactly what I want, on my own terms, I look back and realize why all of the shake-ups were there. They were painful. They were hard- unbearable at times. But they were there to shift me out of my comfort zone. To have me experience new situations. To have me meet new people. To completely catapult me out of my autopilot life into the life of my dreams. 

Coming Into Deep Presence

One of the things I love about somatic work, emotional release, breathwork, and sound healing is that it brings us into a space of deep presence.

This is a state we tend to avoid by distracting ourselves, keeping ourselves busy, numbing out. 

Which makes sense because we can’t hide from ourselves in this state of deep presence- we see and feel it all. All of the wounds. Our limiting beliefs. Our repressed emotions. Everything holding us back. All the ways we hold ourselves back. 

This can feel scary and overwhelming at times, and/but that’s normal and to be expected.

This is the work. This is the healing. 

This deep presence brings deep healing. 

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

Why do we self- sabotage?

We get the job we always wanted. We have a chance to explore a relationship with someone who initially seems great. We have the opportunity to make a lot of money. And then...

We don’t follow up. We ghost. We turn things down. Then we get mad at ourselves for messing things up. Or, we wonder why nothing in our life is changing. 

It’s important to note- there’s nothing inherently wrong with you! 

We self- sabotage because 

1. There are parts of us that are scared and hold us back because they are trying to keep us safe. These parts are usually created in childhood, when we created a survival strategy in order to feel safe, because we didn’t have the capacity to process emotions or understand situations like we do now. 

2. We were programmed by society (our parents, teachers, media) to have certain beliefs or ways of doing things, and these are playing in our subconscious. Programming might look like “money doesn’t grow on trees!” Or “You’re a big boy- don’t cry!” Or “If you buy these clothes and do your makeup like x, you will be more attractive.”

As we bring awareness to these parts of us that we may try to repress or hide, we can begin to unshame these parts that served an intelligent purpose at one time- to keep us safe. 

We can start to find acceptance for these parts, knowing that they get to exist but they no longer need to run the show. 

We can reprogram limiting beliefs using subconscious reprogramming techniques.

This allows us to feel more liberation in our system, as all of the energy that was spent repressing parts of ourselves can now be channeled into creativity and expression, allowing us to fully embrace our gifts and who we came here to be. 

Redefining “Meditation”

For so long I thought meditation meant sitting still in one position, in silence, observing my thoughts. 

Sometimes I was able to do it. Most of the time I wasn’t. 

I noticed that I felt the most relaxed, creative, and out of my head when I was doing more “active” things- like breathwork, sound healing, dancing, baking, walking, doing a jigsaw puzzle, coloring.

All of these activities gave my mind something else to focus on, so I was more easily a lot to get out of my head and drop more into my body. 

Meditation can look like:

Sports

Running 

Going to the gym

Baking

Breathwork 

Dancing 

Singing

Drawing

Creating art 

(Really anything that helps you get out of your mind and more into the body)