Using Gratitude to Bypass Healing

I discovered the power of gratitude years ago, when I got really sick with Lyme, coinfections, mold toxicity, and everything else that comes along with it.

At the time, I was too sick to leave my apartment for anything other than doctor appointments. I started keeping a gratitude journal. Every night before bed I would write down a few things I was grateful for that day. It helped me to retrain my brain to find good things each day at a time when I hit rock-bottom.

I began to realize how powerful gratitude was, and I started thinking OK, maybe I should be grateful for everything that’s showing up in my life, because it’s teaching me lessons, and it’s triggering me so that I could have more awareness and grow and heal on deeper levels. And yes, all of this is true. I do have gratitude for everything I’ve been through.

And, but- I was using gratitude to bypass the deeper healing. I noticed that when difficult things were happening in my life, and the emotions became too overwhelming, I would tell myself “I should feel grateful for this experience.” I was using gratitude to avoid doing the deeper healing, which involves feeling, allowing, and processing intense emotions.

I learned that while gratitude is super powerful, I can’t use it to control my healing- to speed things up because I want to make things better more quickly.

I have been learning to hold both- gratitude AND emotional healing. Gratitude AND acknowledgement that life can be challenging, and there’s nothing wrong with me for feeling that way. Gratitude AND taking all the time I need to heal. Gratitude AND support because sometimes it’s too much to process alone. Gratitude AND compassion for myself.

Being vs. Doing

Before Lyme, I was go go go. I worked a lot, did yoga a few times a week, met friends for dinner (sometimes all of this in the same day) and pushed myself even when I was tired. Weekends were filled with back-to-back activities or day trips. Over the summers when I was off from school, I spent long days acting on set. I had FOMO and felt liked I always needed to be doing something to be productive.

Enter Lyme. It came in slowly, and then completely knocked me out. I was bedridden, had to stop working, and couldn’t do anything. Forget about yoga or dinner- I couldn’t even cook, clean, shower, or do errands. I was forced to just BE. To lie in bed and do nothing.

At first, this was really difficult. I felt guilty and mad at myself for not being able to do anything.

Eventually I let myself be. Be angry, be sad, be embarrassed, be scared, be happy. I meditated and listened to music. I lay there feeling all the emotions, while trying not to judge myself.

I eventually realized that being is just as productive as doing. By being, I was learning more about myself than ever before. I was too busy “doing” before to really get to know myself. “Being” helped me have more clarity in exactly what I should be doing. It taught me to stay present and listen to my body. It showed me my strengths, and what I needed to work on to become more authentic and happy. It was when I was most creative and open to new ideas.

Now that I have more energy, I’m able to “do” more most days. But I make sure I have a good chunk of time each day to just be. And I realized that’s the key- finding the balance between being and doing.

Shifting From Control to Acceptance

During some really difficult times in my life, I found myself asking “What can I do to get out of this?”

The emotions, physical pain, mental anguish were intense and unbearable at times and it was hard to get through the day. It was hard to be in my body. It was hard to do anything at all.

I did all the things- movement if I could, breathwork, screaming into a pillow, journaling, baths- all extremely effective tools that shifted my energy and provided some relief- but didn’t “fix” anything.

I was impatient and wanted it to go away as soon as possible. And don’t we all?

At a certain point, it hit me that I was asking myself the wrong question. Instead of “How do I get out of this ASAP?” I started asking myself “What is the best way to support myself right now while I’m experiencing this?”

And that’s when everything shifted.

Even though I was doing all of the things, I couldn’t accept that this is a process. That I can’t make it all go away overnight. That doing more isn’t the answer.

I needed to let go of control. Surrender the fact that all I could do is support myself in this moment.

Using all of my tools as a way to support myself rather than trying to make it all go away was a game changer.

Healing is a process- it takes time and that’s not always easy to hear when you are going through some really tough stuff.

But things get so much easier when we can accept it.

What are you doing to support yourself today? Let me know in the comments below:

My Emotional Healing Journey

For most of my life, I was able to put on a happy face and pretend everything was ok, when deep down inside I felt depression, anxiety, overwhelm, and unworthiness. Secretly, I judged myself constantly, felt self-doubt, felt like everyone else was better than me, felt like it was the end of the world if people didn’t like me.

When I got really sick and was finally diagnosed with Lyme Disease and a slew of other health issues, I was cracked open, and I couldn’t hide these emotions anymore. They came out with a vengeance, and I felt overwhelmed and out of control. At the same time, I had to go on medical leave from work for two years. I barely had the energy to leave my apartment during this time.

I started reading all the books, listening to all the podcasts, thinking that the more I learned about personal growth and mindset, the quicker I would heal.

I didn’t realize that the actual healing- the actual growth- comes from applying everything I learned to real-life situations.

I started by saying “no” more often, which felt like torture at first. Then I started speaking up to people around me if I was upset- something I never did in the past because I hated confrontation. I started setting boundaries with people close to me. I did this with the help of therapists and friends.

Each no, each confrontation, each boundary- took me way out of my comfort zone. I reached out to people I could trust who reminded me that I needed to do what was best for ME- something I never did before, since I was always trying to be what others wanted me to be.

I left an unhealthy living situation with no plan of where to live, at a time when my health was so bad that I was mostly in bed. I got a divorce. I had to move several more times. I gradually allowed myself to ask and receive support from family and friends.

I felt all the resistance that comes from breaking old patterns and continuously putting myself first. Every single time, fears would set in. I would feel judgment from others who didn’t approve of my choices. Voices would pop into my head telling me I was a horrrible person, that I was making the wrong choices, that it was easier and safer to ignore my intuition.

It was a constant choice to acknowledge these voices, these parts that were terrified, allow myself to see them and feel them, and then remind myself that these stories weren’t true.

I started to see these scared parts as children, reliving past situations and terrified of moving forward.

I began to have more compassion for myself and these parts.

I began to realize that many of the stories I told myself my entire life weren’t true. That they were based on false beliefs and programming.

I stated reprogramming my subconscious with beliefs that I DID want using PSYCH-K. Beliefs full of safety, ease, abundance, empowerment and confidence.

I started working with a somatic trauma coach who helped me to establish safety in my body, so that I could feel and process emotions in a healthy way. I learned about nervous system regulation and trauma responses. We did a lot of inner child work.

I started doing breathwork on a daily basis, learning to connect with my body for the first time- I had always tried to escape my body due to past trauma and chronic illness. Breathwork helped me to release the stuck emotions and old energy in my body.

I started to connect to and trust my intuition.

I followed my intuition and moved over 1,000 miles away- from where I lived most of my life- to live somewhere warmer and sunnier and closer to water.

I started connecting more to nature- soaking in the sun, walking barefoot on the ground, spending time near water.

I started feeling happier each day- truly happier- and found myself responding in healthier ways to situations. Bouncing back from challenges more quickly. Feeling more compassion for myself and others. Feeling more ease and comfortability being myself in new situations. Feeling more FREE.

I’m not perfect. I’m not “healed.” I’m on a journey of healing with ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like I’m back at square one. I still get triggered. I sometimes feel overwhelmed with intense emotions I don’t know how to process. I still need to ask for support.

This all just means I’m human.

But now I’m a human who feels more fulfilled. Who feels more empowered. Who feels more alive. Who feels more confident. Who laughs more. Who loves life. Who sees more beauty in the world.

Who is so excited to help others in similar situations.

I see now that my entire life was training me to help others- which is why I became certified in PSYCH-K® and breathwork- with more to come soon!

I would love to hear from you- feel free to DM me @healingwithlaurenjill on IG!