What If- Sometimes- Being in “Victim Mentality” Is a Necessary Part of the Healing Process?

Let’s talk about victim mentality.

There’s tons of mindset talk out there about getting out of victim mentality- letting go, forgiving, rising up, choosing better thoughts. 

All of this is important and helpful.

AND for people who have experienced unprocessed abuse and trauma, telling them to get out of victim mentality is actually equivalent to telling them to bypass their reality- their experience and their emotions.

Being in victim mentality can be part of the healing process. Sometimes our nervous system can be in such a deep freeze that when we finally feel safe enough for it to start “thawing out,” we may go from feeling numb to feeling the powerlessness, the helplessness, the anger, the rage, the unfairness, the shame, and the guilt before we can start to truly heal.

This is the time we learn to safely feel and process our emotions- to allow ourselves to feel anger if we always suppressed it, to learn to set boundaries, to stand up for ourselves- all which ultimately helps us take our power back. 

Learning to Love All Your Parts

I’m learning to love all my parts.

The perfectionistic/inner critic part which shows up often, telling me I need to work harder. Do better. Compare myself to others.

The unworthy part that tells me I need to keep going and that it’s unsafe to stop. 

The worrier part that always thinks about the worst-case scenario and is convinced it will happen.

The people-pleasing part that tells me I need to act in certain ways to be worthy of love and acceptance. 

The part that keeps me small and quiet because I’m terrified of judgment and what others will think. 

And many more. 

I always thought the work was talking myself out of the parts, ignoring them, or “mindsetting” them away when in fact the real work is learning to love and accept them.

They want safety, love, and validation- not avoidance and rejection. 

“I see you.”

“I’m here.” 

“I’m listening.” 

“What do you need?”

Every time we give a part what it needs, we integrate it a little more. And we become more free, more balanced, more whole. 

What Is Self-Love?

I used to think that self-love meant focusing on the parts of me that I do love, looking in the mirror every day and telling myself “I love you.”

But I’ve been learning that true self-love means accepting and embracing all parts of me- my shadows and imperfections.

It means digging deep into my suffering and my triggers to embrace the totality of who I am.

Being brave enough to truly explore the shadows.

Truly feeling and acknowledging the pain and the darkness.

Learning to hold the pain just as much as the love.

Dancing With Grief

Grief. It can be painful, overwhelming, overpowering, uncontrollable, uncomfortable. It can feel like loss, emptiness. It can feel like darkness, a void, death. It can feel like you are consumed in darkness. It’s sometimes interlaced with anger and disappointment.

It can feel like intense emotional and physical pain in different parts of your body. It can feel never-ending, all-encompassing. It can feel like a hole in your heart. It can feel like your heart is broken open and maybe it will never feel ok again. It can feel like a fear of “what if this doesn’t go away?”

Grief can also feel cleansing, renewing, life-altering. It can help you see things in a new way. It can give you more clarity on a situation. It can help bring awareness to beliefs and emotions that were previously hidden.  It can highlight what’s important to you. It can help you stay present. It can help unearth unhealthy patterns and dynamics.

Sending love to anyone who is dancing with grief, feeling the ups and downs of it, knowing that it’s ok to experience it all. 

Releasing Resistance Around Difficult Emotions

We often try to logicalize our emotions. Try to figure out why we are feeling certain emotions. Maybe create stories around them. Create shame or guilt around them. Judge ourselves. Criticize ourselves. Think, what’s wrong with me?

But sometimes, our emotions may not be logical. 

Emotions are simply energy, and sometimes they just need to be felt and released- not understood. 

Something we can do is say to ourselves “It makes total sense that I’m feeling ____.”

This simple act of acceptance and validation is powerful and allows the emotion the space it needs to move through us, instead of creating resistance.