Understanding Shame

I don’t think I truly understood what shame felt like in my body until I realized it was the “cringe” feeling I often experienced.

When I was embarrassed, awkward, felt self-conscious, insecure, wanted to hide, was overthinking and overplaying scenarios in my head. 

I felt shame for who I was. What happened to me. What I did to others, even if I didn’t intentionally mean to hurt them. 

There was so much shame behind every part of me that I repressed, held back, couldn’t embrace. 

This shame was woven into my identity, causing me to repress so many parts of myself. 

Understanding shame brought so many epiphanies into my life. Family rules, societal rules are built around shame. If we don’t comply with these “rules,” it could feel like rejection and death- because in the past, being rejected from our families or from society could have literally resulted in death. We feel this from our ancestors, and from the collective today- as this still goes on in some parts of the world.

Shame is there to keep us feeling “safe,” and “connected,” but it also keeps us stuck and prevents us from being free. From embracing all of our parts. From being our true selves. 

Bringing awareness to our shame, and liberating these parts of us can be extremely challenging, but it is this that allows us to be in our true power. 

Power + Sensitivity

You can be both sensitive and powerful. 

The word “sensitive” can have a negative connotation- it’s often associated with being weak. 

“You’re too sensitive” was a phrase I heard from others throughout my life- others who couldn’t accept and appreciate my sensitivity in the way I needed. Instead, it was often used as an insult when I was upset, and when someone didn’t want to admit they were wrong. 

At the same time, I sometimes felt like my sensitivity was a curse. Like my body and soul were not made for this world that could often feel harsh and cruel. 

So I avoided, I hid, I stayed small, because it was easier that way. 

After releasing deep layers of anger that I had suppressed for my entire life in an emotional release session, I felt a power- a life force energy- flood my body. 

I felt my power and strength for the first time in my life.

And I realized that the combination of both sensitivity and power- healthy use of power- is one of the most potent combinations for healing the world. 

Pic: @timdajan @emotionalreleases

What If- Sometimes- Being in “Victim Mentality” Is a Necessary Part of the Healing Process?

Let’s talk about victim mentality.

There’s tons of mindset talk out there about getting out of victim mentality- letting go, forgiving, rising up, choosing better thoughts. 

All of this is important and helpful.

AND for people who have experienced unprocessed abuse and trauma, telling them to get out of victim mentality is actually equivalent to telling them to bypass their reality- their experience and their emotions.

Being in victim mentality can be part of the healing process. Sometimes our nervous system can be in such a deep freeze that when we finally feel safe enough for it to start “thawing out,” we may go from feeling numb to feeling the powerlessness, the helplessness, the anger, the rage, the unfairness, the shame, and the guilt before we can start to truly heal.

This is the time we learn to safely feel and process our emotions- to allow ourselves to feel anger if we always suppressed it, to learn to set boundaries, to stand up for ourselves- all which ultimately helps us take our power back. 

Knowledge Vs Embodiment

What’s the difference between knowledge and embodiment?

Knowledge is the mental learning, repeating, awareness. 

Embodiment is actually living what you learned on a daily basis. 

When I first dove into emotional healing, it was all about gaining as much knowledge as I could. I listened to all the podcasts. Read all the books.

But after time I realized that I wasn’t actually living this knowledge.

I could talk all about boundaries and the importance of setting them, but when it came to setting a boundary I would freeze and avoid.

I could talk all about the nervous system responses, but I was still having extreme experiences of nervous system dysfunction.

I could talk all about taking your power back, but I was still giving my power away on a daily basis, with even small things.

I could talk all about the importance of feeling your feelings, but I was still terrified of feeling mine on deep levels.

It wasn’t until I started doing somatic work that I realized: I had all the mental stuff down, but I was totally disconnected from my body.

And being connected to my body is how I can embody and live this knowledge.

Through body- based modalities such as somatic coaching, emotional release, and breathwork, I created more safety to be in my body, which led to feeling more connected to myself, which led to actually integrating all of the knowledge and living it.

Knowledge is power. Awareness is power. And embodiment creates even deeper levels of empowerment.

Five Ways to Feel More Empowered While Healing

Disempowerment.

That can be major side effect of chronic illness, which strips away our dreams, our goals, our entire life and leaves us feeling powerless.

We give our power away to doctors. We deal with doctors who invalidate us or tell us diagnoses that we know feel wrong, but we listen to them because we are desperate to get answers.

We give our power away to toxic people. We deal with toxic people who tell us our symptoms are in our head and our treatments are crazy, and we question everything we are doing.

We give our power away to others we don’t even know. We compare ourselves to others, especially on social media, and then wonder why we aren’t getting better as quickly and question if we are doing something wrong. Or we feel bad being honest about how we feel because other people “have it worse.”

So how do we take our power back?

1) We follow our intuition and trust what we feel. Only we know if a doctor feels off, if a treatment feels wrong, if we feel worse or better. We don’t let anyone convince us that how we feel is wrong.

2) We don’t let people make us feel a certain way. There will always be people that test us and trigger us, but we have the power to respond rather than react. We have the choice to not take things personally and to remind ourselves that if people are judging our medical decisions, that says more about them than us.

3) We feel our emotions. All of them are valid. By suppressing or resisting them, they become overpowering and we can feel like they are in control of us. But actually sitting with and feeling difficult emotions is extremely powerful and healing.

4) We realize everyone is on a different path, and everyone’s body and medical situation is completely different. Just because one person responds well to a certain treatment doesn’t mean that it will work for us. And that’s ok. We realize we are all doing our best to get better, and that will look different for everyone.

5) We take all the energy that we spend worrying about things we can’t control (symptoms, flare-ups, diagnoses) and instead put it into things we can control, like giving ourselves what we need in the moment ( rest, sleep, a long cry, a bath, going out with friends, texting someone, etc.) and taking care of ourselves like we do others.

No matter what others say or do, and no matter how we feel, we can always make empowering choices during in each moment.